Soulo

Best Friend.

2007-08-24T01:44:00.000-07:00

“I never carried out my threats”, she said. “They were as empty as I am now”. Looking at her I didn’t know why she would say that. She is always so full of joy. Of life. People around me tell me that she is such a fun person. What happened? Do people live such false lives? Do they show the world what they are not? And why does she tell me this? Thinking, I realise that she is my reflection. My very own. My best friend. She is so much me that it would be like we are one. I would face her everyday and know that she is telling me the truth even if she lies to the world. She is at her worst with me and I take her brutal honesty in my stride. I feel sorry for those who don’t have a best friend like mine or me.

Places crowded, minds crowded, beings crowded. Not an ounce of space to think, ponder over what one has become. Hypocritical, materialistic, existing. It’s only when the ghosts come visiting that one breaks. I know I don’t need anything to know myself. I just have to look at her and face my demons. It feels good to know I have someone to be absolutely truthful to. Honestly I could not lie to her even if I wanted to. She would know and smile and look at me hoping that I would be as honest with her as she is with me.

But when did the change happen? Weren’t we talking about her being honest? Well, but if I speak of her, then I speak of myself. You see, we are one. Almost.

Shattered Dreams

2007-06-07T08:12:00.000-07:00

He came, he saw and he conquered. Her heart. Her soul. He lay the world at her feet. Calling her ten times a day to tell her how much he missed and loved her. He was the stuff her dreams were made of. She couldn’t wait to get married to him. They did and he slapped her. Hard. Shocked she wondered if it was her fault he turned from a caring man to a violent one. She waited and hoped. But the days were filled with accusations, abuses and beatings. She didn’t recognise the man anymore. He was her nightmare. She feared him and loathed him. But couldn’t leave him. She didn’t know how. She was told marriages are meant to be kept not broken. So she endured him while her dreams lay shattered around her. She was one of those women who carried on with their lives hoping that it would one day be the ideal one. The one they always dreamed of.

You and the World

2007-04-18T21:29:00.000-07:00

What can I offer you or the world? My unremarkable personality, which impresses nobody. My mind, which has stopped ticking for quite some time. My physical being which works without tiring trying to prove itself that it has a long way to go before it collapses. My silence, which has increased through the years and will continue to do so. My unfulfilled desires which rages within me but has no outlet to express itself. My calm exterior which was alien to me some years back but now is a friend. My moodiness, which has become second nature to me. My fears that everything is passing by without giving me a second glance and it would be too late before I make anything notice me. I cannot give you any of those which you or the world likes except the things which nobody notices anyway. My care, my love, my forgiving nature, my ever changing priorities, which include you and the world first and then me. So if you have to go away, I wouldn’t be able to stop you or the world because these might not be the things you or the world needs since big time achievers are the flavour of every season. I am no achiever but at least I know what I have gained in my lifetime. You and the world even if it was for a short time.

Each Day

2007-04-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

Each day is a revelation. Each day reminds me of what a fool I have been. Each day reminds me of the betrayals. Each day also reminds me of the lucky escape I have had. Each day reminds me of the scars of betrayal and the ultimate healing. Each day reminds me not to lose faith and trust again. Each day shows me the divine in humanity. Each day reminds me of my vulnerability and strength. Each day reminds me to laugh and never to cry. Each day reminds me of bigger problems others face. Each day reminds me of the Big Guy who looks over me and never lets me down. Each day is such a blessing that I need to thank those who remind me that I am indeed fortunate.

Three little words

2007-03-21T02:23:00.000-07:00

Falling sick. Remembering. Three little words. Makes me feel happy. Sad. Am touched. Hurt. Happy. Depressed. This is what I want. Don’t want. I have it. But I don’t. I can touch it. I can’t hold it. Arms hurt. Empty. Heavy. Those smooth cheeks. Dimpled smile. Sweet. My hair. Her fist. My neck. Her cheeks. My chest. Her head. My eyes. Her face. Near. Yet far. Forever. Never. Maybe. Hoping. Waiting. Sometime. Three little words. Mine. Happy ever after.

Promise

2007-01-11T22:51:00.000-08:00

“Why do people break their promises?” She asked.
I looked at her wondering what she was getting at.
“What did I do?” I asked in return.
“Oh nothing just… are promises like New Year resolutions which can be made on the eve of the New Year and promptly broken on the New Year’s day?”
That started me thinking. Right she was. Was it so casual that it had no meaning? A momentary weakness or an opportunity one cashes on?
I have made promises which I have kept to the best of my ability.
Is it easier on your conscience to lead someone on and then look straight in the eye and lie about it? Shrug looking away.
Questions that I would not know the answer to. Looking around me I looked at the people who are close to me and asked them did I ever break a promise to them. No replies just perplexed stares. “Isn’t that the norm”, the eyes asked. “Are u being weird again?”
My friend if I have broken any promises to you I really apologise because that is not my intention. I strongly believe that promises are meant to be kept. Probably that’s why I don’t make New Year resolutions. Not worth it because I can’t keep those myself.

For You Aishu

2006-12-03T22:03:00.000-08:00

This is for you Aishu when you visit me and then go away.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
It's not warm when she's away
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
and she's always gone too long
Anytime she goes away
Wonder this time where she's gone
Wonder if she's gonna stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
and this house just ain't no home
anytime she goes away
And I know, I know...
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Only darkness everyday
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
and this house just ain't no home
anytime she goes away

------------------------Bill Withers

The Good, Bad and Ugly

2006-11-22T19:38:00.000-08:00

I am not doing anything right now. Just cooling my heels in my new home. Taking in the surroundings, looking after my old father and contemplating life wondering what was to become of me. The future holds quite a few promises, but I just don’t have the inclination to get up and fulfil them.

Lately since I have been contemplating so much one thing has left me quite amused. That I can actually be of help to people who have left some ‘not so good’ lasting impressions. I have been wondering how can anybody approach a person they have stabbed in the back to actually help them without blinking. Really, I would think twice before facing such a person and die a thousand deaths before I ask for help. But I guess some do not feel ashamed at all. Focussing on self is all that matters. I have many such characters that come time and again.

Sometimes I feel it must be me. I must look a gullible fool. Or stupid. Or maybe I talk too much about how goodness does not kill anybody. I certainly get taken for granted all the time. I do feel irritated and angry. But then if I do I reason that if I behaved as petty as them what was the difference in them and me? Ah!! My years in college and some lectures from my Sanskrit teacher Dr Veena Londhe have spoilt me completely. I can’t fight or feel remorse for too long. I can be bitchy or nasty and then go on feeling guilty till it kills me. Or help and feel superior. Like Londhe Mam said, why should I give you the right to make me feel anything sad or happy? It is my life, I will control it. Thank you very much. You have no control over me or my emotions.

So I will go on being good and kill you with it while I live a happy life.

2006!

2005-12-30T23:16:00.000-08:00

Another year gone by. And it was different. I realised that I had potential. Potential to sell something which I believed in. My husband is right afterall! He says if you believe enough then you can do something about it. Is that true? See it’s like this. My years’ with Nalanda is drawing to a close. And I feared I would be free doing nothing but manning a home, cooking, cleaning and generally making my home my universe. That sent a chill down my spine. Not that I don’t love my home, I love it immensely, but making it the centre of my life? No way! So I started looking around and realised what I had been looking for is right there in front of my nose. My dance which is my first love and my college which is in a poor state. I decided I needed to give it the boost it requires and I got working. And you know what?!!! I managed to make a mark though a small one. More avenues opened and now at the end of my fifth year I am left with not one but three options to choose from. One is to make Nalanda the Julliard of India. Second to introduce dance to emotionally deprived children (dance is afterall cathartic) and third to have one of my own, to look after. Actually these are not choices that I choose from. They are something I will be doing simultaneously. I don’t know if I will be successful or not but there is hope. So much to do, so little time. But with adequate support from my loved ones, I am sure I will pull it off. Welcome 2006!!! You look great!

A Question

2005-11-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

Is it worth being positive all the time? She asked.
I stared at her wondering what she is getting at.
You know what I mean? I am not sure if I have the life I want. True I got everything that a woman would want. A big house, a great husband, lots of clothes, a good career and I can buy whatever I want whenever I want. So what’s making me unhappy?
Is it because despite the big house and servants, the house is a tad messy because I can’t give it enough attention?
Is it because despite my great husband, he can be insulting while telling me that I look bad in certain clothes and that I don’t have good taste. He never gets me spontaneous gifts, never asks me why I was looking so glum or why was I angry about something. Or is it because he works late the day I am at home?
Is it because despite lots of clothes, its not exciting to wear them because I am told it doesn’t look good by the most important person in my life?
Is it because despite a good career I really have to struggle to get a bit of appreciation, a bit of good word?
Is it because despite what I can buy or when I can buy, I really go out and buy something to make myself feel good?
Is it because despite everything I keep being positive and tell myself things could be much worse?
So tell me is it worth being positive at all?
I don’t know I reply. But I liked her positive attitude. It kept me smiling and wanting to be in her presence. Now I asked her, isn’t that a good thing? Me being her friend just for that?

Long time gone

2005-10-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

I havent written in such a long time. I wonder why. Its not because I dont have anything to say anymore. In fact, I got lots to say. Some things are just ideas, some are things that need to be gotten off my chest and some just need to be told. But still I havent done anything about it.

Ideas float at no particular time. It can be in a middle of a very busy day or in the night when sleeping. But they are there. Constant. Deep. Stamped. But they dont get written. I must do something about it soon.

The vices of selflessness.

2005-05-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

I would say that selflessness is a vice because it never does any good for anybody. For one it has to be done with zero expectations which is next to impossible. One does expect a little understanding and when that is not coming it hurts. It hurts like hell. Its easy to take the high road and preach that expectations bring heartbreak, but is it totally wrong at least not to be misunderstood for the selfless action?

That is another problem. Your statements can mean something else to another even when made with absolute innocence with no malice or double entendres. But how do you explain that? If people want it meant something else you cant stop them.

And selflessness is addictive. Bad for emotional health. How much hurt can one heart take? Not too many but if selflessness is a part of you then your heart is going to be one patchwork case. How much ever you want to give it up, you just can't. When you see somebody in trouble, the thought never enters your mind how your actions are going to be interpreted but how can you act and put things right.

So that’s what I mean when I say selflessness is a vice which is better not experimented with and its best left alone. Its better to leave it alone and adopt the virtues of selfishness. At least you know your heart is going to be in great shape.

Void

2005-04-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

Will anything fill this Void inside me? She asked.
I don’t know. What would fill the Void that somebody close to you has left? Work? Maybe. That would be one advice I could give her. They say work is all that you need.
Who are they? She asked. Do they know the meaning of Void? Did they work to fill it?
I sit in a coffee shop in a busy mall and see all the faces going about. Shopping, buying, eating, drinking and looking so happy. Did they feel the Void ever? They say shopping helps.
Who are they? Did they ever feel the Void? Are they shopping because of it?
I don’t know. I know of people who do that very often. But does material things really help? Momentary happiness for a lifetime of Void. And expensive. Would I want that? I never tried and probably would not do so either. But …
All I can do is that I would be around if you need a shoulder. I would be there to dry your tears, hear your outbursts against the unjust world and sympathise with you. I would try and fill the Void a little and bring a smile on your face again.

Revelations

2005-03-31T09:32:00.001-08:00

To err is human, to forgive divine. This is something I learned in the course of two weeks when I was busy giving exams. Exams are so stressful and so confusing. You dont know how you are doing. But I am glad that I possess a forgiving heart. This has nothing to do with the said exams just something I found out while giving my best.

Mulling over things gone by dont interest me anymore. I can actually laugh and wonder why did I ever have so much time to waste on things which shouldnt be important anyway. I should have realised that I should matter more and nothing could harm me ever. This revelation has done me proud and I am still waiting for the thing I asked God! but thank You for healing me.

Birthday Hungama

2004-11-09T11:56:00.000-08:00

Just a few years more before I hit the Big 4. But birthdays have never been so good. Only five days back, I had a great birthday with a few close friends. Went to this great restaurant which serves Thai, Korean, Mangolian, Chinese, Japanese .... food and I loved it.

Firoz and Jasmine, the party-goers had of course tried the place and like it anyway. So did Lindsay though his nights are usually spent in some bar rather than a restaurant. Patcy had never tried a restaurant like this and I could see she never will, but I am glad she was with us.

And I received gifts. Candles, jewellery, clothes, chocolates, diyas, cake, but best of all is my diamond ring. Now I know why people say diamonds are a girl's best friend. It has not left my finger.

But the party was not over yet. The next day got invited by a couple Rozina and Micky who are extremely sweet and very proud owners of a huge house. It was a double celebration, house-warming and my birthday. Sat, chatted, drank, ate and came home with a big smile knowing that the world a one big beautiful place.

Waiting for my next birthday!!!

Great Words

2004-11-01T09:46:00.000-08:00

"Laugh and the world laughs with you,
Weep and you weep alone,
For this brave old earth must borrow its mirth,
It has sorrow enough of its own.
Sing and the hills will answer,
Sigh! it is lost in the air,
The echoes do bound a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
Rejoice and the men will seek you,
Grieve and they turn and go,
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not want your woe.
Be glad and your friends are many,
Be sad and you lose them all,
There is none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must feast life's gall.
Feast and your halls are crowded,
Fast and the world goes by,
Succeed and give and it helps you live,
But no one can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure,
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on,
Through the narrow aisles of pain."

-- Ella Wheeler Wilcox.

Busybee

2004-09-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

Lifes turned topsyturvy lately. Dont know if I am coming or going. Theres so much to do and so little time. Wish the day was longer so that I could fit in everything that I wanted to do and not wait for another day to finish it. Wonder when this will get over and I can get eight hours of undisturbed sleep.

Karma theory

2004-07-08T03:50:00.000-07:00

Believing in the karma theory can be very confusing. For me it is more so because I believe only in one part of it. The Divine Justice that I keep talking about is something I know happens, but rebirths I don’t want. Do I want to know that all my actions will generate some fruits and if they are not finished in this birth then I take it to the next one. Do I want to take birth again? It’s difficult to believe in this theory when you don’t believe in rebirths.

Karma stays with you whether you like it or no. You have to know that whatever you do will generate a reaction and it will come back to you ten-fold. The sufferings you heap on others will be unbearable to you if you face it. The happiness you spread around will be amazing when you get it in return.

But there are few things that are out of our control. Like hurting others without meaning to. One knows that by taking a certain action, one is right. But it is wrong for the other person. And one suffers. You turn around and ask God if that was fair. But when Pandavas fought for their right, were they happy after that? They were unhappy because they lost their families. So even if your actions are right, it makes others unhappy, you can be sure you will be unhappy too. It’s a very dicey situation, one, which cannot be explained by anybody.

Hindu philosophy is very interesting. It gives you so much space to grow as a person. Its’ religious intentions are not to kill anybody but find liberation even if one is a non-believer. And it is not necessary to pray to find moksha (liberation). One can find it through dharma (duty), kama (physical) or artha (financial). But one can also find it by going beyond the mundane and realizing the self. Self- realization means being introspective and knowing yourself and trying to be as selfless and active as He Himself.

But I know one thing for sure and that is whatever I do, I will reap the benefits of it in this birth and not the next one.

And then….

2004-06-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

There are the other friends who have inspired me and awed me with their immense resilience and grit. They are my little known friends who I have only recently discovered. The college friends I mentioned in my earlier blog are one of them. I really admire Bhakti for her confidence that nothing can go wrong for her. She knows that whatever she will do, she will succeed in it. She is a go-getter and that’s the way it should be. Shraddha is the mature and level-headed girl, a rock really. Khushbu on the other hand is a highly emotional person who cries at the drop of a hat probably. But she awes me with her spirit to be positive despite the negativity in her life.

Firoz is a very smart guy who knows the meaning of surviving under the hardest circumstances. This guy just amazes me with his sheer determination to face the odds with a smile on his face. And he enjoys his life to the fullest. He has been quite a support during my low times. We have a very affectionate bond which I guess only we understand.

Vishal started out as our physical instructor, but soon became a friend. A very highly sensitive and dramatic guy, he can amaze me with his focus and one-track mind about physical fitness and bodybuilding. He wants to compete in a body building competition and wont think of anything else but that. Call him immature and you can get his hackles up considerably.

And then there is Murali, cousin and friend. Since the time I can remember, I have never seen him stress free or just doing something for himself. He is always working for others and getting conned probably by the so-called friends. If you are looking at an ideal son, brother or husband, he is the one you should look at. He is probably the only guy I know who can’t refuse his mom anything. He is a great guy.

My college friends are young, some actually twenty years younger to me. Now that is something that amazes me, that I am surrounded by people who were born when I became 18. One of my young friends told me that if I had known them then, I would probably be carrying them in my arms and playing with them. Yeah imagine that!

The objects of my affection…

2004-06-10T07:23:00.000-07:00

Are my friends. They are few, very good friends.

I got friends who are of all ages. Some are older to me, some my age and some much younger to me. But they are all aware of what a weirdo I am and still love me.

Starting from first best friend Jacqueline who was my school buddy, a fellow backbencher. We were quiet and reserved and boys didn’t come near us. I still don’t know if I was happy with the situation about boys, but I was happy that Jack was and it was ok by me. We got married, lost touch, got in touch again many years later, and now we are good friends.

My next best friend is Zaki whom I married. We are poles apart. If I like astrology, he likes astronomy. I like hindi masala movies and he likes Brian de Palma and Steven Speilberg. We fight and argue everyday, but at the end we like being with each other. We are still friends.

Then there is Sam. I call him Sambul. He is Zaki’s best friend and now he is my friend. He is this eccentric guy who talks less and smiles even lesser. He has seen me through many changes and suffered me for a bad tempered person to actually liking me for the person I finally turned into and I am sure he appreciates it that he is not at the receiving end of my tantrums these days. He is a great guy who we love and cherish.

Doris and Sunil, Rupanday and Hari, both couples not together anymore but still good friends of mine. And then there is Rupa and Sajid. Both a little far in Dubai, and not so much in touch, but we can pick up where we left off the last time we met. Rupa is this hyper active person and Sajid is equally laidback. Rupa takes charge and Sajid is more than happy to let her. This just proves that there is nothing better than a good marriage. Putty and Sandhya, I haven’t forgotten you yet. Putty made the third angle in Zaki, Sam’s group. Great guy this with an equally great wife.

Lastly come my very young friends. Kushbu, Bhakti and Shraddha are pretty new and getting quite close. But Chaitali, Pracheta are my lifeline in college. They are a strange mix of maturity and innocence. They love me any which way. Whether I am being preachy, bad-tempered or nasty. They smile and indulge me. They actually look after my needs so well. They spoil me rotten and I am thankful to them for that. They depend on me for the notes I can make out of the very difficult subjects that they never understand really and I depend upon them to tell me where I go wrong with my practicals. It’s a life that I am living once more when I was 18 when they come and tell me their heartaches and breaks, the boys they like and have crushes on. It’s an adventure with them and I don’t want to trade it ever for anything else. Never have I felt so great having such a great bunch of friends. Thank God.

Says Kabir, listen O saints!

2004-05-31T04:32:00.000-07:00

Kabir saw how social conventions had hardened into blind beliefs. He also noticed how people indulged in greed, hypocrisy and selfishness under the cover of religion. He refused to keep quiet. In an age when freedom of speech was unknown, he dared speak freely. He hit at rituals ruthlessly. He defied all that tended to hide the truth and divide people. His addressed his poems to people trapped in ignorance.

His creed is love. It simply connects. His poetry assures that God is nothing but Love. He is personal experience. He is known to each differently. He is in every heart, in that invisible space which Kabir refers to as the void between the breaths. Every breath brings His message but lost in sleep we cannot hear it. We need a Kabir to awaken us.

Where do u look for me dear?
I am closer than close to you.

Neither in temple-mosque am I,
Nor in Kaba-Kailash,
Nor in rituals, nor in yoga-ways.

Neither in goat-sheep am I,
Nor in axe-knife,
Nor in skin-tail, nor in flesh and bone

He who yearns, finds at once,
Far from the crowd,
I live in a quiet refuge.

Listen to me in the void, says Kabir
In between all the breaths.

The shadow of the evening
Grows darker and
Love overpowers body-mind.

Throw open the window
To the west, and
Dive deep in the Void of love

Sip the nectar,
From the lotus of awareness
And let waves embrace you.

In the glorious Void-palace,
Listen to the music
Of conch, bells and lute.

Listen, O saint-brothers,
I found my Lord-Eternal
Within myself, says Kabir.

Why isn’t anybody talking about Suniel Shetty.

2004-05-27T00:22:00.000-07:00

I saw Main Hoon Na for the second time and still wondered why hasn’t anybody spoken about Suniel Shetty and his ‘acting’. For those who haven’t seen the film, he is this hardcore villain who gets beaten (not beaten up), in the end by the hero. He isn’t an anti-hero kind but a real villain and he does a pretty convincing job of it too. From being a non-actor to actually doing a good job of beating up Shahrukh Khan, he is good, despite the tacky blue lens in his eye and that horrid wig.

So there is no mention of him anywhere in the papers or magazines or anywhere at all. Its’ sad because in this film, he has taken a risk of experimenting with the character and he has succeeded. Personally, I feel he makes a better villain than a hero. His dialogue delivery sucks otherwise as a hero because he doesn’t have a deep voice but a rather thin one. Still, it works in this character.

He has, definitely, improved by way of acting as compared to others who go around claiming that they are ‘actors’. I liked him in this film and hope that people take a second look at him and say something.

In Memory

2004-05-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

We had a great thing going. We were together. We did a lot of things. We fought and made up. We joked about ourselves and laughed. We cooked and ate everything up. We shared. We cared. We confided and we kept those secrets. We were friends.

But now all that is gone. Perhaps I should have listened to another, “nothing lasts forever”. Distance has made us strangers. But memories are strong. Till they fade away, it was the bestest time ever.

A beginning

2004-05-20T09:48:00.000-07:00

Ah! Dancing! I woke up one morning, went to a dance performance and decided that I wanted to learn Bharata Natyam again. Don’t know what mental state I was in to take that decision cause I was in my early thirties and 20 kgs overweight (I was underweight before that) and was in no condition to move either my legs or my entire body. Despite a disastrous first day where my guru asked me to jump high in the air and I came down very unceremoniously flat on the ground (it shook I think), I stuck to it and today it’s three years since and I am glad I decided to go for it.

People often asked me why did I take such a drastic step knowing that I earned a five-figure salary and had a pretty glamourous job of interviewing film personalities and to give it up was stupid. My sister also told me that I should have taken photography, as that was more glamorous to explain to her friends when they asked about me instead of “oh she dances”. So was it because I wanted to become a performer or was it because I wanted to open a class and earn some money sitting at home. I simply told them because it made me happy. Happy as nothing ever did. Not my job, not people, jewellery, clothes, perfumes or money, it was just dancing that put me in a great place.

Today I dance with 15 other girls ranging between ages 18 and 21, who have great energy levels and who keep me on my toes, literally. But does it discourage me? No way. In fact I feel quite blessed to be among such talented dancers who inspire me constantly.

Now everybody invariably ask me what next? What next? Just the moment for me of dancing and learning the fine details about this art form. Of knowing that this has opened new avenues for me academically. And feeling happy that I went back to college again.