The Good, Bad and Ugly

I am not doing anything right now. Just cooling my heels in my new home. Taking in the surroundings, looking after my old father and contemplating life wondering what was to become of me. The future holds quite a few promises, but I just don’t have the inclination to get up and fulfil them.

Lately since I have been contemplating so much one thing has left me quite amused. That I can actually be of help to people who have left some ‘not so good’ lasting impressions. I have been wondering how can anybody approach a person they have stabbed in the back to actually help them without blinking. Really, I would think twice before facing such a person and die a thousand deaths before I ask for help. But I guess some do not feel ashamed at all. Focussing on self is all that matters. I have many such characters that come time and again.

Sometimes I feel it must be me. I must look a gullible fool. Or stupid. Or maybe I talk too much about how goodness does not kill anybody. I certainly get taken for granted all the time. I do feel irritated and angry. But then if I do I reason that if I behaved as petty as them what was the difference in them and me? Ah!! My years in college and some lectures from my Sanskrit teacher Dr Veena Londhe have spoilt me completely. I can’t fight or feel remorse for too long. I can be bitchy or nasty and then go on feeling guilty till it kills me. Or help and feel superior. Like Londhe Mam said, why should I give you the right to make me feel anything sad or happy? It is my life, I will control it. Thank you very much. You have no control over me or my emotions.

So I will go on being good and kill you with it while I live a happy life.