2006!

Another year gone by. And it was different. I realised that I had potential. Potential to sell something which I believed in. My husband is right afterall! He says if you believe enough then you can do something about it. Is that true? See it’s like this. My years’ with Nalanda is drawing to a close. And I feared I would be free doing nothing but manning a home, cooking, cleaning and generally making my home my universe. That sent a chill down my spine. Not that I don’t love my home, I love it immensely, but making it the centre of my life? No way! So I started looking around and realised what I had been looking for is right there in front of my nose. My dance which is my first love and my college which is in a poor state. I decided I needed to give it the boost it requires and I got working. And you know what?!!! I managed to make a mark though a small one. More avenues opened and now at the end of my fifth year I am left with not one but three options to choose from. One is to make Nalanda the Julliard of India. Second to introduce dance to emotionally deprived children (dance is afterall cathartic) and third to have one of my own, to look after. Actually these are not choices that I choose from. They are something I will be doing simultaneously. I don’t know if I will be successful or not but there is hope. So much to do, so little time. But with adequate support from my loved ones, I am sure I will pull it off. Welcome 2006!!! You look great!

A Question

Is it worth being positive all the time? She asked.
I stared at her wondering what she is getting at.
You know what I mean? I am not sure if I have the life I want. True I got everything that a woman would want. A big house, a great husband, lots of clothes, a good career and I can buy whatever I want whenever I want. So what’s making me unhappy?
Is it because despite the big house and servants, the house is a tad messy because I can’t give it enough attention?
Is it because despite my great husband, he can be insulting while telling me that I look bad in certain clothes and that I don’t have good taste. He never gets me spontaneous gifts, never asks me why I was looking so glum or why was I angry about something. Or is it because he works late the day I am at home?
Is it because despite lots of clothes, its not exciting to wear them because I am told it doesn’t look good by the most important person in my life?
Is it because despite a good career I really have to struggle to get a bit of appreciation, a bit of good word?
Is it because despite what I can buy or when I can buy, I really go out and buy something to make myself feel good?
Is it because despite everything I keep being positive and tell myself things could be much worse?
So tell me is it worth being positive at all?
I don’t know I reply. But I liked her positive attitude. It kept me smiling and wanting to be in her presence. Now I asked her, isn’t that a good thing? Me being her friend just for that?

Long time gone

I havent written in such a long time. I wonder why. Its not because I dont have anything to say anymore. In fact, I got lots to say. Some things are just ideas, some are things that need to be gotten off my chest and some just need to be told. But still I havent done anything about it.

Ideas float at no particular time. It can be in a middle of a very busy day or in the night when sleeping. But they are there. Constant. Deep. Stamped. But they dont get written. I must do something about it soon.

The vices of selflessness.

I would say that selflessness is a vice because it never does any good for anybody. For one it has to be done with zero expectations which is next to impossible. One does expect a little understanding and when that is not coming it hurts. It hurts like hell. Its easy to take the high road and preach that expectations bring heartbreak, but is it totally wrong at least not to be misunderstood for the selfless action?

That is another problem. Your statements can mean something else to another even when made with absolute innocence with no malice or double entendres. But how do you explain that? If people want it meant something else you cant stop them.

And selflessness is addictive. Bad for emotional health. How much hurt can one heart take? Not too many but if selflessness is a part of you then your heart is going to be one patchwork case. How much ever you want to give it up, you just can't. When you see somebody in trouble, the thought never enters your mind how your actions are going to be interpreted but how can you act and put things right.

So that’s what I mean when I say selflessness is a vice which is better not experimented with and its best left alone. Its better to leave it alone and adopt the virtues of selfishness. At least you know your heart is going to be in great shape.

Void

Will anything fill this Void inside me? She asked.
I don’t know. What would fill the Void that somebody close to you has left? Work? Maybe. That would be one advice I could give her. They say work is all that you need.
Who are they? She asked. Do they know the meaning of Void? Did they work to fill it?
I sit in a coffee shop in a busy mall and see all the faces going about. Shopping, buying, eating, drinking and looking so happy. Did they feel the Void ever? They say shopping helps.
Who are they? Did they ever feel the Void? Are they shopping because of it?
I don’t know. I know of people who do that very often. But does material things really help? Momentary happiness for a lifetime of Void. And expensive. Would I want that? I never tried and probably would not do so either. But …
All I can do is that I would be around if you need a shoulder. I would be there to dry your tears, hear your outbursts against the unjust world and sympathise with you. I would try and fill the Void a little and bring a smile on your face again.

Revelations

To err is human, to forgive divine. This is something I learned in the course of two weeks when I was busy giving exams. Exams are so stressful and so confusing. You dont know how you are doing. But I am glad that I possess a forgiving heart. This has nothing to do with the said exams just something I found out while giving my best.

Mulling over things gone by dont interest me anymore. I can actually laugh and wonder why did I ever have so much time to waste on things which shouldnt be important anyway. I should have realised that I should matter more and nothing could harm me ever. This revelation has done me proud and I am still waiting for the thing I asked God! but thank You for healing me.