Three little words

Falling sick. Remembering. Three little words. Makes me feel happy. Sad. Am touched. Hurt. Happy. Depressed. This is what I want. Don’t want. I have it. But I don’t. I can touch it. I can’t hold it. Arms hurt. Empty. Heavy. Those smooth cheeks. Dimpled smile. Sweet. My hair. Her fist. My neck. Her cheeks. My chest. Her head. My eyes. Her face. Near. Yet far. Forever. Never. Maybe. Hoping. Waiting. Sometime. Three little words. Mine. Happy ever after.

Promise

“Why do people break their promises?” She asked.
I looked at her wondering what she was getting at.
“What did I do?” I asked in return.
“Oh nothing just… are promises like New Year resolutions which can be made on the eve of the New Year and promptly broken on the New Year’s day?”
That started me thinking. Right she was. Was it so casual that it had no meaning? A momentary weakness or an opportunity one cashes on?
I have made promises which I have kept to the best of my ability.
Is it easier on your conscience to lead someone on and then look straight in the eye and lie about it? Shrug looking away.
Questions that I would not know the answer to. Looking around me I looked at the people who are close to me and asked them did I ever break a promise to them. No replies just perplexed stares. “Isn’t that the norm”, the eyes asked. “Are u being weird again?”
My friend if I have broken any promises to you I really apologise because that is not my intention. I strongly believe that promises are meant to be kept. Probably that’s why I don’t make New Year resolutions. Not worth it because I can’t keep those myself.

For You Aishu

This is for you Aishu when you visit me and then go away.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
It's not warm when she's away
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
and she's always gone too long
Anytime she goes away
Wonder this time where she's gone
Wonder if she's gonna stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
and this house just ain't no home
anytime she goes away
And I know, I know...
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Only darkness everyday
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
and this house just ain't no home
anytime she goes away

------------------------Bill Withers

The Good, Bad and Ugly

I am not doing anything right now. Just cooling my heels in my new home. Taking in the surroundings, looking after my old father and contemplating life wondering what was to become of me. The future holds quite a few promises, but I just don’t have the inclination to get up and fulfil them.

Lately since I have been contemplating so much one thing has left me quite amused. That I can actually be of help to people who have left some ‘not so good’ lasting impressions. I have been wondering how can anybody approach a person they have stabbed in the back to actually help them without blinking. Really, I would think twice before facing such a person and die a thousand deaths before I ask for help. But I guess some do not feel ashamed at all. Focussing on self is all that matters. I have many such characters that come time and again.

Sometimes I feel it must be me. I must look a gullible fool. Or stupid. Or maybe I talk too much about how goodness does not kill anybody. I certainly get taken for granted all the time. I do feel irritated and angry. But then if I do I reason that if I behaved as petty as them what was the difference in them and me? Ah!! My years in college and some lectures from my Sanskrit teacher Dr Veena Londhe have spoilt me completely. I can’t fight or feel remorse for too long. I can be bitchy or nasty and then go on feeling guilty till it kills me. Or help and feel superior. Like Londhe Mam said, why should I give you the right to make me feel anything sad or happy? It is my life, I will control it. Thank you very much. You have no control over me or my emotions.

So I will go on being good and kill you with it while I live a happy life.

2006!

Another year gone by. And it was different. I realised that I had potential. Potential to sell something which I believed in. My husband is right afterall! He says if you believe enough then you can do something about it. Is that true? See it’s like this. My years’ with Nalanda is drawing to a close. And I feared I would be free doing nothing but manning a home, cooking, cleaning and generally making my home my universe. That sent a chill down my spine. Not that I don’t love my home, I love it immensely, but making it the centre of my life? No way! So I started looking around and realised what I had been looking for is right there in front of my nose. My dance which is my first love and my college which is in a poor state. I decided I needed to give it the boost it requires and I got working. And you know what?!!! I managed to make a mark though a small one. More avenues opened and now at the end of my fifth year I am left with not one but three options to choose from. One is to make Nalanda the Julliard of India. Second to introduce dance to emotionally deprived children (dance is afterall cathartic) and third to have one of my own, to look after. Actually these are not choices that I choose from. They are something I will be doing simultaneously. I don’t know if I will be successful or not but there is hope. So much to do, so little time. But with adequate support from my loved ones, I am sure I will pull it off. Welcome 2006!!! You look great!