The Good, Bad and Ugly

I am not doing anything right now. Just cooling my heels in my new home. Taking in the surroundings, looking after my old father and contemplating life wondering what was to become of me. The future holds quite a few promises, but I just don’t have the inclination to get up and fulfil them.

Lately since I have been contemplating so much one thing has left me quite amused. That I can actually be of help to people who have left some ‘not so good’ lasting impressions. I have been wondering how can anybody approach a person they have stabbed in the back to actually help them without blinking. Really, I would think twice before facing such a person and die a thousand deaths before I ask for help. But I guess some do not feel ashamed at all. Focussing on self is all that matters. I have many such characters that come time and again.

Sometimes I feel it must be me. I must look a gullible fool. Or stupid. Or maybe I talk too much about how goodness does not kill anybody. I certainly get taken for granted all the time. I do feel irritated and angry. But then if I do I reason that if I behaved as petty as them what was the difference in them and me? Ah!! My years in college and some lectures from my Sanskrit teacher Dr Veena Londhe have spoilt me completely. I can’t fight or feel remorse for too long. I can be bitchy or nasty and then go on feeling guilty till it kills me. Or help and feel superior. Like Londhe Mam said, why should I give you the right to make me feel anything sad or happy? It is my life, I will control it. Thank you very much. You have no control over me or my emotions.

So I will go on being good and kill you with it while I live a happy life.

2006!

Another year gone by. And it was different. I realised that I had potential. Potential to sell something which I believed in. My husband is right afterall! He says if you believe enough then you can do something about it. Is that true? See it’s like this. My years’ with Nalanda is drawing to a close. And I feared I would be free doing nothing but manning a home, cooking, cleaning and generally making my home my universe. That sent a chill down my spine. Not that I don’t love my home, I love it immensely, but making it the centre of my life? No way! So I started looking around and realised what I had been looking for is right there in front of my nose. My dance which is my first love and my college which is in a poor state. I decided I needed to give it the boost it requires and I got working. And you know what?!!! I managed to make a mark though a small one. More avenues opened and now at the end of my fifth year I am left with not one but three options to choose from. One is to make Nalanda the Julliard of India. Second to introduce dance to emotionally deprived children (dance is afterall cathartic) and third to have one of my own, to look after. Actually these are not choices that I choose from. They are something I will be doing simultaneously. I don’t know if I will be successful or not but there is hope. So much to do, so little time. But with adequate support from my loved ones, I am sure I will pull it off. Welcome 2006!!! You look great!

A Question

Is it worth being positive all the time? She asked.
I stared at her wondering what she is getting at.
You know what I mean? I am not sure if I have the life I want. True I got everything that a woman would want. A big house, a great husband, lots of clothes, a good career and I can buy whatever I want whenever I want. So what’s making me unhappy?
Is it because despite the big house and servants, the house is a tad messy because I can’t give it enough attention?
Is it because despite my great husband, he can be insulting while telling me that I look bad in certain clothes and that I don’t have good taste. He never gets me spontaneous gifts, never asks me why I was looking so glum or why was I angry about something. Or is it because he works late the day I am at home?
Is it because despite lots of clothes, its not exciting to wear them because I am told it doesn’t look good by the most important person in my life?
Is it because despite a good career I really have to struggle to get a bit of appreciation, a bit of good word?
Is it because despite what I can buy or when I can buy, I really go out and buy something to make myself feel good?
Is it because despite everything I keep being positive and tell myself things could be much worse?
So tell me is it worth being positive at all?
I don’t know I reply. But I liked her positive attitude. It kept me smiling and wanting to be in her presence. Now I asked her, isn’t that a good thing? Me being her friend just for that?

Long time gone

I havent written in such a long time. I wonder why. Its not because I dont have anything to say anymore. In fact, I got lots to say. Some things are just ideas, some are things that need to be gotten off my chest and some just need to be told. But still I havent done anything about it.

Ideas float at no particular time. It can be in a middle of a very busy day or in the night when sleeping. But they are there. Constant. Deep. Stamped. But they dont get written. I must do something about it soon.

The vices of selflessness.

I would say that selflessness is a vice because it never does any good for anybody. For one it has to be done with zero expectations which is next to impossible. One does expect a little understanding and when that is not coming it hurts. It hurts like hell. Its easy to take the high road and preach that expectations bring heartbreak, but is it totally wrong at least not to be misunderstood for the selfless action?

That is another problem. Your statements can mean something else to another even when made with absolute innocence with no malice or double entendres. But how do you explain that? If people want it meant something else you cant stop them.

And selflessness is addictive. Bad for emotional health. How much hurt can one heart take? Not too many but if selflessness is a part of you then your heart is going to be one patchwork case. How much ever you want to give it up, you just can't. When you see somebody in trouble, the thought never enters your mind how your actions are going to be interpreted but how can you act and put things right.

So that’s what I mean when I say selflessness is a vice which is better not experimented with and its best left alone. Its better to leave it alone and adopt the virtues of selfishness. At least you know your heart is going to be in great shape.